The Guy At Work (GAW) at my new job is one of those guys who likes to tell women to "Smile!" The first time it happened, I let it slide. The second time it happened, I stuck my tongue out at him. But today, the third strike, there was only one other person working, and she was on the phone. So I finally stood up for myself.
GAW: Smile, Sarah!
Me (not smiling): Please stop telling me to smile.
GAW (looking like someone just slapped him): Oh, you're having a bad day?
Me: No, my face always looks like that.
GAW: Like you're having a bad day?
Me: Yes. It's unfortunate, but that's just how my face looks.
He hasn't said much to me since then. I think I got my point across though.
Just to clarify, I'm not a grumpy person or whatever. I'm just sick of people (most often men) telling me to smile. I don't care if you think I look angry or pissy or ugly. That's my face, and it always looks like that. I'm not obligated to change it just because you don't like it.
30 August 2013
15 May 2013
How to Reduce the Need for Abortion
Let me start out by saying that this is not an abortion debate. I believe that what to do about an unintended pregnancy should be up to the pregnant woman and only the pregnant woman. If it's not your body, then it's not your business.
However, there are many Americans out there who would like to see fewer abortions performed. I can understand this desire; deciding to continue or terminate a pregnancy can be a difficult and stressful time in a woman's life. (I say "can be" because it is not the same for all women--there is no universal abortion experience.) While the woman may be dealing with her conscience or morals, she also has to deal with her finances. An abortion is not cheap; surgical abortions can cost up to $300-$400, and insurance companies will not always cover the procedure. Not to mention all the legal hurdles that she has to jump through, i.e. the 24 hour waiting period and the infamous transvaginal ultrasounds. Life would be easier for any woman if she could bypass this potential headache altogether.
The only way to reduce* the need for abortions is to reduce the number of unintended pregnancies. Period.
Let me say that again. The only way to reduce the need for abortions is to reduce the number of unintended pregnancies.
But how do we do that, you ask?
Three words, my friends: Education and Access to Prevention.
Education is first and foremost. Every individual, no matter their race, class, gender, religion, sexuality (etc.), must be educated about sexual health--which includes protection from STIs (STDs) and unintended pregnancies. "Don't have sex until you're married or you'll go to hell" is not a good education. Study after study has shown that abstinence-only education is not effective at reducing STI and teen birth rates. And forget the idea that sex-ed gives kids "ideas"; most kids hear a lot about sex before they hear any real educational information about sexual health. Children need to be educated about sex before they start having sex so that, when they eventually come to the point in their lives when they are ready to become sexually active, they can make reasonable decisions to protect themselves and their partners.
Prevention methods are obviously also very important. We currently have a wide variety of prevention methods, but I think we need more. More choices for those of us who cannot take hormonal methods, for whatever reason. More condoms that people will actually want to wear (and more for people who are allergic to latex). And how about choices for men who want to be on some sort of birth control? If a woman and a man in a relationship are both on birth control, think about how much more effective that would be at preventing pregnancy!
However, prevention is not very helpful if it is not accessible. All kinds of birth control and condoms need to be widely available to the general population. Laws restricting access to birth control (like the one that allows pharmacies to deny a patient her pills) need to be curtailed. Emergency contraception (which is indeed contraception and not the abortion pill) needs to be available without a prescription to anyone seeking it. Accessibility also includes affordability--condoms and birth control need to be affordable so that people who make less money can still afford to prevent unintended pregnancies. In addition, accessibility needs to extend to rural areas, where there may be fewer pharmacies that are farther apart. Fortunately, some Planned Parenthood affiliates offer "Pills by Mail," a program where a woman can have her birth control mailed to her home so that she only needs to have a check-up once a year.
With ultra-conservatives attacking sex education and access to birth control, one wonders what their real goal is. Taking away these things will only lead to more unintended pregnancies--and therefore more abortions--which they are supposedly against. If you are really ready to reduce the number of unintended pregnancies in this country, then you will support education and access to prevention wholeheartedly.
*I say "reduce" and not "eliminate" because there are always extenuating circumstances. Condoms break. Hormonal birth control methods can fail. And don't even get me started on the issue of rape. We will always have a need for abortions, but we can certainly help prevent women from needing them in the first place.
 |
| And that's all I'm going to say about that. |
However, there are many Americans out there who would like to see fewer abortions performed. I can understand this desire; deciding to continue or terminate a pregnancy can be a difficult and stressful time in a woman's life. (I say "can be" because it is not the same for all women--there is no universal abortion experience.) While the woman may be dealing with her conscience or morals, she also has to deal with her finances. An abortion is not cheap; surgical abortions can cost up to $300-$400, and insurance companies will not always cover the procedure. Not to mention all the legal hurdles that she has to jump through, i.e. the 24 hour waiting period and the infamous transvaginal ultrasounds. Life would be easier for any woman if she could bypass this potential headache altogether.
The only way to reduce* the need for abortions is to reduce the number of unintended pregnancies. Period.
Let me say that again. The only way to reduce the need for abortions is to reduce the number of unintended pregnancies.
But how do we do that, you ask?
Three words, my friends: Education and Access to Prevention.
Education is first and foremost. Every individual, no matter their race, class, gender, religion, sexuality (etc.), must be educated about sexual health--which includes protection from STIs (STDs) and unintended pregnancies. "Don't have sex until you're married or you'll go to hell" is not a good education. Study after study has shown that abstinence-only education is not effective at reducing STI and teen birth rates. And forget the idea that sex-ed gives kids "ideas"; most kids hear a lot about sex before they hear any real educational information about sexual health. Children need to be educated about sex before they start having sex so that, when they eventually come to the point in their lives when they are ready to become sexually active, they can make reasonable decisions to protect themselves and their partners.
Prevention methods are obviously also very important. We currently have a wide variety of prevention methods, but I think we need more. More choices for those of us who cannot take hormonal methods, for whatever reason. More condoms that people will actually want to wear (and more for people who are allergic to latex). And how about choices for men who want to be on some sort of birth control? If a woman and a man in a relationship are both on birth control, think about how much more effective that would be at preventing pregnancy!
However, prevention is not very helpful if it is not accessible. All kinds of birth control and condoms need to be widely available to the general population. Laws restricting access to birth control (like the one that allows pharmacies to deny a patient her pills) need to be curtailed. Emergency contraception (which is indeed contraception and not the abortion pill) needs to be available without a prescription to anyone seeking it. Accessibility also includes affordability--condoms and birth control need to be affordable so that people who make less money can still afford to prevent unintended pregnancies. In addition, accessibility needs to extend to rural areas, where there may be fewer pharmacies that are farther apart. Fortunately, some Planned Parenthood affiliates offer "Pills by Mail," a program where a woman can have her birth control mailed to her home so that she only needs to have a check-up once a year.
With ultra-conservatives attacking sex education and access to birth control, one wonders what their real goal is. Taking away these things will only lead to more unintended pregnancies--and therefore more abortions--which they are supposedly against. If you are really ready to reduce the number of unintended pregnancies in this country, then you will support education and access to prevention wholeheartedly.
*I say "reduce" and not "eliminate" because there are always extenuating circumstances. Condoms break. Hormonal birth control methods can fail. And don't even get me started on the issue of rape. We will always have a need for abortions, but we can certainly help prevent women from needing them in the first place.
13 May 2013
Terrifying Dreams
Bad dreams are nothing new for me. Sometimes, like when I'm under a lot of stress, my subconscious burps up some horrors for me while I'm asleep (for a common example, see here). Lately, my nightmares have been less about teeth and choking and more about a paralyzing inability to protect myself. The details are always a little different, but the main plot is pretty much the same:
Something bad is happening to me or is about to happen to me. It's usually some physical attack like a beating or rape. I try to defend myself by running or pushing away the attacker, but I'm always too slow or clumsy to run and too weak to fight. When the attack is imminent, I can do nothing else, so I try to call for help. I want to scream and yell for someone--anyone--to help me.
But I can't. It's like all of a sudden my voice box has turned itself down so far that all I can do is whisper. No one hears my pleas but myself and my attacker.
When I wake up, I just want to scream and scream just to prove to myself that I can. I think my subconscious needs a Prozac or something.
Something bad is happening to me or is about to happen to me. It's usually some physical attack like a beating or rape. I try to defend myself by running or pushing away the attacker, but I'm always too slow or clumsy to run and too weak to fight. When the attack is imminent, I can do nothing else, so I try to call for help. I want to scream and yell for someone--anyone--to help me.
But I can't. It's like all of a sudden my voice box has turned itself down so far that all I can do is whisper. No one hears my pleas but myself and my attacker.
When I wake up, I just want to scream and scream just to prove to myself that I can. I think my subconscious needs a Prozac or something.
12 May 2013
Dieting is Bullshit
I don't care about my weight anymore. I don't care about losing weight anymore. I just want to be healthy. I want to be able to go for a run with my dog without needing my inhaler. I want to be able to go for a long bike ride without worrying whether or not my legs will give out. I want to be able to mow the damn lawn without having an asthma attack.
Is that so much to ask for?
Is that so much to ask for?
13 November 2011
More Dreams
I don't know how to make these "losing my teeth" dreams stop. Last night I had one, and it was more real than any of the other ones had been. I'm going to go crazy, if I'm not already.
16 July 2010
Body Image
I'm a women/gender studies minor. It had to come up eventually.
The topic of body image is a very popular one in the American culture today due to an increased awareness of eating disorders and general body dissatisfaction in women and men alike (though mostly in young white females). By now, we all know how ridiculous the media's "ideal" body is. We've seen the "life size" Barbie dolls that wouldn't be able to stand up on their own. We know about the wonders of Photoshop, and we've seen at least one video of how models are airbrushed to "perfection." We know the reality of teens suffering from anorexia and bulimia; we've seen pictures of the bones protruding from their bodies. And yet we still have this stubborn mental image of a perfect body: the tall, lean woman with perfect skin, long hair, and plump breasts. Not only is this the image of perfection, but it is also the image of beauty.
So what of the girls who don't identify with this image? They aren't tall, they aren't lean, and their skin is far from perfect. They come to see this image of beauty as the only one, and, if they don't look like the image, then they are not beautiful--they may even be ugly.
The biggest problem with this image is the weight of the "perfect" body. Models are almost always incredibly skinny; when was the last time you saw an ad with a fat person--or even a normal size person for that matter-advertising your favorite jeans, cereal, or makeup? Tune into any fashion show and you'll see it: unnaturally skinny women. So, if only tiny women are allowed to model popular--subjectively beautiful--clothing, then how can the rest of us possibly hope to achieve beauty if we weigh more than they do?
Yes, there has been much coverage, and backlash, on the modeling industry. People know about it. But simply knowing does not change this image of beauty that has been ingrained in our minds and in our culture so thoroughly that we can't even imagine a different kind of beauty. Consciously or not, women still compare themselves (and other women) to that image of perfection, as do men. I can't go a day without hearing someone belittle their body, saying "I'm too fat," "I eat too much," or even something like "I hate my body." Many times, I do this to myself. I know how damaging it is to my self-esteem, yet I continue to do it.
So how can we break free from this nasty image of perfection and the damaging self-criticism that comes from it? I can't pretend that I have an answer that would free our women from this media-driven image. Many are trying to change the image of beauty in our society by including a few "curvy" models to the lineup of skinny women. However, these women are scarce--the exception rather than the rule.
On a more personal level, I plan on changing my perspective. I have to stop belittling my body. It's my body, and I've just got to live with it (maybe even learn to love it). I am working out: not only to lose weight but to gain more energy and get stronger. I am trying to eat healthier foods with an understanding that it will help my body function better, which will in turn make me feel better.
I know that there is a long road ahead of me. I cannot change my entire way of thinking overnight. But, with a lot of work and willpower, along with a few inspirational women, I can change the way I think and feel about myself. Am I beautiful? Not yet. But I am trying.
The topic of body image is a very popular one in the American culture today due to an increased awareness of eating disorders and general body dissatisfaction in women and men alike (though mostly in young white females). By now, we all know how ridiculous the media's "ideal" body is. We've seen the "life size" Barbie dolls that wouldn't be able to stand up on their own. We know about the wonders of Photoshop, and we've seen at least one video of how models are airbrushed to "perfection." We know the reality of teens suffering from anorexia and bulimia; we've seen pictures of the bones protruding from their bodies. And yet we still have this stubborn mental image of a perfect body: the tall, lean woman with perfect skin, long hair, and plump breasts. Not only is this the image of perfection, but it is also the image of beauty.
So what of the girls who don't identify with this image? They aren't tall, they aren't lean, and their skin is far from perfect. They come to see this image of beauty as the only one, and, if they don't look like the image, then they are not beautiful--they may even be ugly.
The biggest problem with this image is the weight of the "perfect" body. Models are almost always incredibly skinny; when was the last time you saw an ad with a fat person--or even a normal size person for that matter-advertising your favorite jeans, cereal, or makeup? Tune into any fashion show and you'll see it: unnaturally skinny women. So, if only tiny women are allowed to model popular--subjectively beautiful--clothing, then how can the rest of us possibly hope to achieve beauty if we weigh more than they do?
Yes, there has been much coverage, and backlash, on the modeling industry. People know about it. But simply knowing does not change this image of beauty that has been ingrained in our minds and in our culture so thoroughly that we can't even imagine a different kind of beauty. Consciously or not, women still compare themselves (and other women) to that image of perfection, as do men. I can't go a day without hearing someone belittle their body, saying "I'm too fat," "I eat too much," or even something like "I hate my body." Many times, I do this to myself. I know how damaging it is to my self-esteem, yet I continue to do it.
So how can we break free from this nasty image of perfection and the damaging self-criticism that comes from it? I can't pretend that I have an answer that would free our women from this media-driven image. Many are trying to change the image of beauty in our society by including a few "curvy" models to the lineup of skinny women. However, these women are scarce--the exception rather than the rule.
On a more personal level, I plan on changing my perspective. I have to stop belittling my body. It's my body, and I've just got to live with it (maybe even learn to love it). I am working out: not only to lose weight but to gain more energy and get stronger. I am trying to eat healthier foods with an understanding that it will help my body function better, which will in turn make me feel better.
I know that there is a long road ahead of me. I cannot change my entire way of thinking overnight. But, with a lot of work and willpower, along with a few inspirational women, I can change the way I think and feel about myself. Am I beautiful? Not yet. But I am trying.
07 July 2010
Not-So-Irrational Fear
On Sunday, July 4, 2010, at 10:40 in the morning, I was attacked outside of my home. I had been at my boyfriend's house, but I stopped in at my apartment before work to pick up a few things. Since I had to be at work at 11, I was in a hurry and wanted to park in the first spot that I saw, which happened to have a boy (about 11 or 12) sitting on a bike in it. I decided that it wouldn't be too much to ask to get the kid to move back up onto the sidewalk, so I pulled up next to the car in front of him, put on my turn signal, and honked my horn at him. He didn't move, not even to look. The old man on the sidewalk saw me with my turn signal on and motioned to the boy to get out of the street. As the boy was moving, I slowly started to back into the spot, watching the boy carefully.
Once I was safely parked, I locked up the car and got out. As I shut the door behind me, I became aware of a blue car stopped in the middle of the road, facing the other direction. The man in the driver's seat started yelling at me almost as soon as my door shut. "That's my kid," he yelled. "What were you gonna do, just back up into him?" I assured the man that I had no intention of hitting the kid, but he got out of his car and continued yelling at me. Apparently, I was "getting smart" by telling him that the kid was safe, so he decided to put me in my place.
The man grabbed the side of my neck, and in an instant slammed my head against my driver's side window. Momentarily blacking out, I fell to the ground. Shocked and terrified, and already beginning to cry, I started to pick up my keys, sunglasses, and water bottle. However, he was not finished. He continued to yell at me as I picked myself up off the ground. When I got to my porch, crying and ready to call the police, he decided that he wasn't done with me. He yelled about vandalizing my car and then chased after me. Thankfully, I had already gotten the door unlocked. I got inside just in time, slamming the door behind me.
At this point, I was terrified. Crying and shaking all over, I called the police and then my mother. She quickly made a few calls, and my neighbor Tina came over to take care of me until the cop came. My father also called to make sure I was alright, and my boyfriend and future-mother-in-law came to get me. I told the police what I could, but since I was watching the kid so carefully, I couldn't describe the man or the car in much detail. I didn't get the license plate number. All I knew was that I had never seen the man before, so he probably doesn't live in the neighborhood.
Even though I knew that the cops probably wouldn't find anything, I took pictures of what happened. I photographed the bruise above my eye, the scratches on my neck and head, and the scrape on my hand. I took a picture of my car visor, which had been broken. The scratches on my window proved impossible to photograph. If he is ever caught, I have evidence of the attack.
But that can't make me feel safe. Ever since it happened, I have been stiff and sore, unable to move my muscles normally. I fear going out by myself, or even going home. Going out in public also unnerves me; there are so many people around that I feel out of control. Just in Wal Mart, I see many people that look like my attacker, which makes my heart beat faster and sends me into a panic. I can see how people suffer from terrible post traumatic stress disorder and how something like this can change a person's life. I am afraid for my safety and for my life, but I am also afraid that I won't be able to function normally in society. Fear can paralyze a person, sometimes for the rest of their life. I can only hope that this doesn't happen to me.
Once I was safely parked, I locked up the car and got out. As I shut the door behind me, I became aware of a blue car stopped in the middle of the road, facing the other direction. The man in the driver's seat started yelling at me almost as soon as my door shut. "That's my kid," he yelled. "What were you gonna do, just back up into him?" I assured the man that I had no intention of hitting the kid, but he got out of his car and continued yelling at me. Apparently, I was "getting smart" by telling him that the kid was safe, so he decided to put me in my place.
The man grabbed the side of my neck, and in an instant slammed my head against my driver's side window. Momentarily blacking out, I fell to the ground. Shocked and terrified, and already beginning to cry, I started to pick up my keys, sunglasses, and water bottle. However, he was not finished. He continued to yell at me as I picked myself up off the ground. When I got to my porch, crying and ready to call the police, he decided that he wasn't done with me. He yelled about vandalizing my car and then chased after me. Thankfully, I had already gotten the door unlocked. I got inside just in time, slamming the door behind me.
At this point, I was terrified. Crying and shaking all over, I called the police and then my mother. She quickly made a few calls, and my neighbor Tina came over to take care of me until the cop came. My father also called to make sure I was alright, and my boyfriend and future-mother-in-law came to get me. I told the police what I could, but since I was watching the kid so carefully, I couldn't describe the man or the car in much detail. I didn't get the license plate number. All I knew was that I had never seen the man before, so he probably doesn't live in the neighborhood.
Even though I knew that the cops probably wouldn't find anything, I took pictures of what happened. I photographed the bruise above my eye, the scratches on my neck and head, and the scrape on my hand. I took a picture of my car visor, which had been broken. The scratches on my window proved impossible to photograph. If he is ever caught, I have evidence of the attack.
But that can't make me feel safe. Ever since it happened, I have been stiff and sore, unable to move my muscles normally. I fear going out by myself, or even going home. Going out in public also unnerves me; there are so many people around that I feel out of control. Just in Wal Mart, I see many people that look like my attacker, which makes my heart beat faster and sends me into a panic. I can see how people suffer from terrible post traumatic stress disorder and how something like this can change a person's life. I am afraid for my safety and for my life, but I am also afraid that I won't be able to function normally in society. Fear can paralyze a person, sometimes for the rest of their life. I can only hope that this doesn't happen to me.
21 June 2010
Repeating Dreams
It seems that the dreams have been getting better. In the most recent choking dream, I was aware that I have a fear of choking, and so I tried to avoid it. Sometimes, the choking comes from bubble gum, which fills my mouth and throat no matter how many times I spit it out. In this dream, I was somehow aware that happens in most dreams. Instead of choking on the gum, I made a game out of it; every time I felt the gum filling my mouth, I would pick it out of my teeth and throw it at something or someone (which was surprisingly fun, considering I was stuck in a post-apocalyptic situation).
Later in the dream, I once again became aware of a loose tooth. Usually this is a stressful trigger for me, but the tooth, instead of falling to shards, came out all in one piece. It looked odd, considering they never come out whole, but I only looked at it for a moment and put it to the side. None of my other teeth became loose or fell to pieces. I moved on without worrying.
To me, this dream seems like a good omen. Perhaps the dreams will get better. Maybe I can have hope of waking up normally instead of terrified.
Or maybe the choking will change to something else, like drowning.
But let's remain optimistic.
Later in the dream, I once again became aware of a loose tooth. Usually this is a stressful trigger for me, but the tooth, instead of falling to shards, came out all in one piece. It looked odd, considering they never come out whole, but I only looked at it for a moment and put it to the side. None of my other teeth became loose or fell to pieces. I moved on without worrying.
To me, this dream seems like a good omen. Perhaps the dreams will get better. Maybe I can have hope of waking up normally instead of terrified.
Or maybe the choking will change to something else, like drowning.
But let's remain optimistic.
16 June 2010
Fears, continued
The dreams are, once again, getting progressively worse. Now it is not the teeth, but the tongue. In the latest dream, my tongue repeatedly swelled to the point of blocking off my air supply, leaving me choking and panicked. I remember no reason for the swelling, no allergic reactions or bee stings. My tongue was not puffy and thick, as it should be, but it was thin and full of air and puss, like a disgusting balloon. I repeatedly tried to "pop" the tongue so I could breathe, but to no avail. It kept on re-inflating, blocking off my air and heightening my panic. When I woke up, I wasn't sure whether to be relieved that my teeth weren't falling out again or frightened that the choking is now caused by the tongue. I don't know what to expect, but I fear it nevertheless.
05 June 2010
Irrational Fear
A loose tooth is nothing out of the ordinary--for a child. For a twenty-year-old woman, however, it is a completely different story.
Once aware of the loose tooth, I wiggled it lightly to access the damage. Almost immediately, it fell out into my hand. But it didn't come out as a whole tooth you would give to the tooth fairy; it came out as a shard. I dropped the first piece and went back in for the second, which also broke into pieces. Not long after, I became aware of a second tooth as loose as the first. I tried to remove it quickly before it fell to pieces in my mouth.
I was too late. The pieces cluttered my mouth. It was all I could do to not cry as I spit the shards out.
I tried to put in an old retainer that I had gotten after I wore braces. The retainer worked well enough to keep my remaining teeth in place, but it soon made my mouth sore since I was not accustomed to wearing it. To lighten the pain, I pulled it out.
That was a mistake. A horrendous misery stabbed my jaws, which could no longer move properly. My mouth was open only a few centimeters, and it hurt to even try to open or close it. Instead of making my teeth straight, the retainer had worsened the alignment and gave me a painful overbite.
Now without the retainer, my mouth again began losing teeth. More and more became loose and fell to pieces, with no replacement teeth underneath to fill the gaping black holes.
Shards of my former teeth cluttered my mouth, breaking apart faster than I could spit them out. My mouth was in constant pain, and I was beginning to panic.
I was choking! I could no longer breathe through my mouth, and panic overruled my rational thoughts. I tried scooping the shards out of my mouth, but newly broken teeth quickly took their place. There was no way to remove all the pieces from my mouth.
I was choked by my own teeth. I am choked with this same dream--over and over again. And it is worse every time.
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