13 May 2013

Terrifying Dreams

Bad dreams are nothing new for me. Sometimes, like when I'm under a lot of stress, my subconscious burps up some horrors for me while I'm asleep (for a common example, see here). Lately, my nightmares have been less about teeth and choking and more about a paralyzing inability to protect myself. The details are always a little different, but the main plot is pretty much the same:

Something bad is happening to me or is about to happen to me. It's usually some physical attack like a beating or rape. I try to defend myself by running or pushing away the attacker, but I'm always too slow or clumsy to run and too weak to fight. When the attack is imminent, I can do nothing else, so I try to call for help. I want to scream and yell for someone--anyone--to help me.

But I can't. It's like all of a sudden my voice box has turned itself down so far that all I can do is whisper. No one hears my pleas but myself and my attacker.

When I wake up, I just want to scream and scream just to prove to myself that I can. I think my subconscious needs a Prozac or something.

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